Thank you Jamie Tworkowski

Wow. I haven’t posted on here in a long time. It’s interesting to go back and read my old posts, and see what kind of person I was a couple years ago. I can see that while I’ve grown up, and I am in a different place, there are still some things that I am fighting with. And that’s what brought me here tonight. I just read a blog post by Jamie Tworkowski that really touched me in a way that nothing has in a while. If you don’t know who he is you should really look him up. He’s an inspiration to so many people and he is one of the most caring and selfless people out there. He, along with a few other amazing people, started the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms. Another thing you need to look up if you don’t know what it is. This organization is the reason I’m still here. It’s the reason that many, many people are still here. They bring awareness to self-harm, suicide, addiction and depression. They reach out to those who are struggling and feeling alone, and speak to us in ways that prove that we are not alone and that things can and will get better. They are a support system for millions of people. Simply strangers to the hopeless, reaching out and showing them they are loved. How great is that? Especially in these times when people can be so cruel, so hurtful, and for such silly reasons.

In Jamie’s post he talked about struggling with depression and the way we cope with our pain. He mentioned that while he has never physically cut himself or inflicted any bodily harm to himself, he has been harmful to himself and the people around him. He brought up a few ways that people may deal with their pain, whether it’s through self injury, directing anger towards others, or even seeking help from professionals. While I was reading this, it suddenly dawned on me that I’m not free of injuring myself. No, I haven’t cut, burned, scratched or bruised myself, but I have still done things that are harmful. I’m proud to say that I am free of self-injury for 3 years now, and I don’t see myself ever going back to that way of coping, however, there are things that I still need to work on. I need to break free of bringing myself down. I can’t keep mentally beating myself up when things get rough, or when I’m in one of my depressed states of mind. So this is my “New Year’s Resolution” starting now. This is my pledge to myself, and to Jamie and the rest of TWLOHA, because with everything they’ve done for me, without even knowing me, they deserve it. And maybe if I do it for someone other than me, I’ll actually work harder. I hate letting people down, and so this will be my drive. And if I ever get the chance to meet this amazing and honest man, I will be able to say thank you for inspiring me to stop hurting myself and start living my life. It’s going to be hard, really hard. There are habits I have to break, but you know what? I have the strength to do it. I’m halfway there.

This post is mostly a thank you to Jamie and the rest of TWLOHA. But this is also my pledge to myself to stop these harmful habits. So thank you Jamie. Thank you for inspiring me to write again, to break these habits, and to live the life I am meant to live. It’s going to be hard to let myself be happy, but I know I can do it. And I hope this inspires others to do the same. Because no one deserves to feel alone.

Blink 182 Reunion Tour

The boys are finally back together and they are better than ever! Tom Delonge, Mark Hoppus, and Travis Barker reunited and gave us a show of a lifetime! Being at a Blink 182 concert is like seeing a comedian and band play together. When the boys weren’t playing their amazing music, Mark and Tom were keeping the crowd entertained with their witty banter and jokes. Even though they have slightly tamed the vulgarity of their humor, the crowd still got the same old perverted and goofy guys we’re used to.

From the minute Blink 182 came on stage, the whole ampitheater was full of energy and excitement. We fed off the energy of Mark, Tom and Travis, and we all hung off every note sang, every word spoken, and every beat hit. There was never a dull moment when the guys were on stage; complete and total entertainment the whole time. You could feel a bit of the tension between Mark and Tom, but they played well together considering their past (but when you find out you friend quit the band through your manager, there’s going to be tension). Of course, concert-goers didn’t come to see Mark and Tom kiss and make up. Fans came to hear the music that brought them all together in the first place. The playlist was awesome, playing songs from the very beginning up to their last album. It gave everyone in the audience what they wanted to hear, from the people who have been listening to Blink from the very start, to younger crowd who recently discovered Blink. The crowd roared when they hit the first notes of “What’s My Age Again?”, “All The Small Things” and “Feeling This”. When they played “Adam’s Song”, (a song about teen suicide) you could feel the emotion from everyone in the audience, to the guys on stage.

Travis Barker, who came close to death in a plane crash in 2008 (which essentially led to the band getting back together), had the same energy and intensity as before if not more. His drum solo that led into the two-song encore was, for lack of a better word, amazing. Shortly after beginning the solo, the platform holding him and his drum set was lifted into the air and moved from side to side before pointing down so that Travis was facing the ground while playing. He then began in to spin, while still playing, and kept the crowd at its loudest. Compelling, intense, and intriguing are only a few words to explain his drum solo.

The lineup also included Panic! At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy, and while these bands were all great, you could tell that the crowd was anxious to see Blink. Panic! At the Disco, with a new lineup of band members, entertained the crowd with music from their very first cd and their most recent one, while Fall Out Boy rocked the audience with songs from every album they’ve made so far, and definitely kept the crowd on their feet the whole time.

Unwanted feelings

You say you feel unwanted and alone, and I try and prove that it’s not true. Yet you treat me as if I’m just some insignificant person in your life who is only there for your entertainment. Maybe you feel alone and unwanted because you’re finally being treated the way you make everyone else feel. Maybe after all this time, karma is coming around. If you don’t want my friendship, don’t ask for it. I won’t be the friend who is always checking on you, and trying to make sure you’re happy. I won’t be the person you can rely on…

I’m not someone people can just walk all over, I am a person, with feelings and emotions. Why people can’t seem to recognize this, I’m not sure, but it’s time for me to make it known. I will no longer be treated like a toy, or a form of entertainment when you are lonely, bored, or feeling empty. I am not your ego boost. I am not an object to be discarded when you are tired of it. I am a person, and it’s time I get treated like one.

5 Things All Photogs Should Know.

I recently had an eye opening experience with my work. I did a favor for an acquaintance by taking maternity portraits of her, free of charge. The shoot went great, besides a few setbacks, and everything was going very well afterwards. However, I made the mistake of sending the “client” previews of the photos without watermarking them. Now when I sent these to her, I told her to pick the ones she liked the most, and we would discuss the editing options. Later on that night, after I had spent the day editing pictures to give her some examples, I got an email from her saying that she had edited the pictures herself. By the time I got to email her back asking her in the most professional manner not to do that, I had found that she had posted the pictures online already, with her own watermark  (her myspace link) without me even being able to put my watermark on there. Now she did give me credit in the captions, but anyone could take the pictures and claim them as their own, and so my images were not protected. I continued to try to explain to her why I really did not agree with what happened, but she absolutely refused to change it. Unfortunately I made the mistake of not watermarking them right away. Now there’s nothing I can do, and I have to live with my mistake and learn from it. So here is a list of things all photographers should remember when it comes to a shoot. 

1. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS watermark your photos before sending them to the client. Even if it’s a friend, you need to watermark them. You never know if you had a miscommunication with your client, and things can go awry.

2. Have a meeting before the photoshoot. This is so you can sit down with your client and figure out exactly what they want, you can talk prices and you can have them sign certain forms, which will be discussed next. Another problem I had with the client is that she didn’t communicate with me what she really wanted, which led to a comment from her to someone else about how she had something in mind but the picture didn’t turn out that way. If she would have spoken up and communicated what she wanted, we could have made an attempt to create what she had in mind. So talk with your client before. Write down everything they say, and communicate what you have in mind as well. 

3. Release forms. Now most people might think you don’t need these unless you will have a piece of work with their image being published. This is wrong. In a release form, I include that the client will not take any creative liberties with my images, they will not reproduce the images without my permission, and that they will not use my images and claim it as their own. I started doing this after this recent event. Verbal confirmation of these rules aren’t enough. If it’s not in writing, you won’t be able to prove that the conversation ever happened, which means, they could get away with things you don’t approve of. 

4. When sending previews, mark them in some way with a watermark and even having PREVIEW written across the image. This way, the client can’t take the pictures and do whatever they want to them. You must always protect your images. If you think your client would have enough common sense to not do these things, you’re wrong. Which leads me into number five.

5. Don’t ever believe that your client understands the way our business works. Unless you are shooting someone who works in the business, and even then, you can’t trust that the client is aware of the unspoken rules. And the client will always try to twist it so that you screwed up when it comes to confronting them. 

The last thing I have to say, is kind of an unspoken rule. Always be as professional as possible when working with a client, whether it’s a friend, family member, or complete stranger. I know it sounds harsh, but if you just entering into the business, keeping a professional appearance will get you far. I made the mistake of letting my emotions get the best of me, and ultimately it lead to an unhappy “client” and a major learning experience for me. We learn something everyday and with every shoot, but hopefully after reading this none of you will make the mistake I made. Communication is key, and getting everything in writing is a huge component to success. Have fun with your business, but be safe. Keep this five rules in your head, and you will hopefully have some great experiences!

 

*I put client in parentheses when talking about the girl I worked with, because I did not charge her for the shoot. She was ultimately a client, but I was also doing a favor. Don’t do favors unless it’s family. They never get you anywhere.

Weight Issues In Hollywood

I know I’ve covered this once before, but I’ve been reading a ton of articles about celebrities and their bodies. Recently I’ve been reading a lot on Mandy Moore and Kim Kardashian. Mandy Moore has stated in numerous articles that she is happy with her body and that she accepts her curves. While normally I would love for someone of her status to be this way, I find it kind of insulting. When I read this, the first thing that came to mind was, “What curves? If she’s curvy then I’m an elephant!” Now I find her to be an extremely beautiful young woman, and I have so much respect for her. I mean she lives in the limelight constantly and you never read about her out partying until 4 a.m. or getting busted for drugs. She has her head on straight and is a great role model for young girls. I just don’t see how she can claim to be curvy! Maybe I am wrong, but she looks quit thin to me, not sickly, but a healthy thin. 

Another celebrity who has been questioned about her weight and body issues is Kim Kardashian. She recently had a photoshoot come out where she did have any airbrushing done for the cover. This was a huge thing for the celebrity world because Kim showed that she is like every other woman in the world and just happens to have a little cellulite. I think it’s awesome that she refused to be airbrushed, we shouldn’t hide our bodies! Everyone has cellulite, some more than others, but we all have it. Now she has curves. She is a beautiful curvy young woman and she knows it. I think that is great, but she fights with the media constantly about her weight and curves, sometimes it seems like she’s extremely self conscious. It’s understandable, especially since the media tears apart women who don’t have the stick thin figure. But she should take pride in her body, because there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Society has led young women all over the world to believe that to be beautiful you must be terribly thin, have big breasts, and just look like Barbie. We truly need to band together and accepts our bodies. Curves are beautiful, accept them and love them! We shouldn’t deny that we have curves, or that we don’t, we should just love our bodies for the way they are. There’s no changing it, only staying healthy. And that is all that should matter. Being healthy and happy for what we have. Focusing on looking like a plastic doll when there are more important things going on in the world is insane! Yes, I will admit that I sometimes wish I looked like Angelina Jolie or even Barbie, but I can’t change that I have an ass! So I’ve embraced my body! And I hope every other woman does too!

Envy On The Coast, Anberlin and Taking Back Sunday

Last night, I had the privilege of seeing three great bands in concert. Envy On the Coast, Anberlin, and Taking Back Sunday came to The Rave in Milwaukee, WI, and it was definitely a must-see show. Now I was already pretty amped to see Taking Back Sunday since this was the first time I would have seen them live; to be honest, I really only cared to see them. However, after the first chord was struck by Envy, I was immediately focused and excited to see what was going to happen. I’ve never really listened to Envy on the Coast before, and while I was a bit skeptical at first, I really did enjoy their set. Ryan Hunter’s presence on the stage was mesmerizing. He commands your attention and gives off such a great presence; you can’t help but fall in love with him and the music.  All of these boys are very talented. They all show how passionate they are when it comes to playing their music. Their stage presence isn’t the only thing that commands your attention though; the music was outstanding. There is an intensity to the music that you don’t come across to often. I really enjoyed their set. Between the stellar music and tantalizing stage presence, Envy On the Coast has definitely taken over my iPod. 

What is there to say about Anberlin? They are definitely one of the most energetic groups of guys I have ever seen on stage. The music was pounding through the speakers and you could tell that every person in that venue was feeling it. The second “Feel Good Drag” started, the roar of the crowd made the intensity of the song ten times better. One thing I really enjoyed about their show was how much they interacted with the crowd. It was almost intimate, as if the guys were reaching into every person’s soul and making sure that every single person felt the same excitement the guys in the band felt. They did what they do best, and that is entertain.

When Taking Back Sunday took the stage, I could have sworn the building was shaking from all of the screaming from the crowd. I’ve never seen such enthusiasm from a crowd before. From that moment you just knew it was going to be an amazing show. There is a certain wildness to Taking Back Sunday that when they are on stage, you never know what to expect. Even though Adam Lazzara’s stage antics have dropped the mic swinging, he still commanded your attention. Normally when a band plays, it’s the lead singer who keeps everyone’s attention, but when it comes to TBS you are constantly moving from member to member, because they all demand attention. The set list was a great one, with songs ranging from Tell All Your Friends to songs from their newest album, New Again. It was interesting to see how people reacted to their newest songs since the album hasn’t been released yet, so we were all getting a taste of what’s to come. 

This was a fantastic show, and I am very lucky to have been there last night. The best part was being able to come out of the show seeing one band who I’ve been dreaming of seeing ever since I heard track one of Tell All Your Friends (and also finding a new band)! I recommend checking out all of these bands if you’ve never listened to them before. You won’t be disappointed!

Let’s Talk About Police Brutality

Some of the guys in We The Kings and Forever The Sickest Kids, including their crew, were involved in a brutal beating by the Philadelphia Police. It’s not yet known why this incident happened, but according to tweets from Travis Clark, Jonathan Cook, and Caleb Turman (from We The Kings and Forever The Sickest Kids respectively) the police pulled nightsticks, and were screaming, “Do you want to die tonight?” and “We don’t care about you!” Three people where then brought to jail, and one was brought to the hospital for head injuries. 
Apparently this all started when the guys were loading the vans in front of the club when the incident occurred.

Alt Press was the first to cover it. Here’s the link to the article.
http://www.altpress.com/news/6642.htm

There are videos and pictures and witnesses who posted blog immediately after the incident. You can find links to these through the link above. 

This is ridiculous! Abuse of power at it’s best. Let’s hope something happens to the police officers involved. Completely unnecessary!

God and other debates

A friend and I had a discussion tonight that I found a lot of inspiration from. My friend, we will call her Tiffany in case she wants to remain anonymous, is a strong, beautiful, woman. She has her goals in life, and her beliefs and she won’t let anyone tear her down for what she believes. Tonight we got to talking about her beliefs and some things that she wants in a man. The one thing that came up that led to the discussion is that she wants to marry a man who shares the same religious beliefs as her. She shared a verse with me from the bible that helped with her reasoning, and the verse was: 

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18

Now, when I read this verse, I took it as, a believer and non believer should not be associated with the other. So for me and her to be such good friends like we are, we are in the wrong. She said that for her, it’s in the dating and marriage sense. In her opinion, she doesn’t want to marry someone who has different beliefs as her, because down the road, one or both could start to stray away from their beliefs and start following the other’s, and that isn’t fair to the other. Another issue she is worried about is that if her and her husband were to have children, how would they decide to raise their children when it comes to religion. In all honesty, I can see why she would worry about this, but at the same time, I believe that if you are meant to be with someone, same religious beliefs or not, everything would work out. I would like to think that everyone would be open and supportive enough to accept that the love of their life believes something different, and that is okay, because in my opinion, in the end we all end up in the same place, even if our beliefs say differently. Of course that is just my opinion. 

So I guess the question to really think about is this, can two people who have to completely different religious beliefs, be happily married for the long run without straying away from their beliefs? I like to think optimistically and say yes, while others will say no. Unfortunately it’s hard to truly say yes or no. And while everyone likes to think that their religion or beliefs are the correct ones, there isn’t a single person who can say they know for sure who is right and who is wrong. Religion will always be a never-ending debate. People don’t like to settle and accept that they may be wrong, we are a stubborn group and most are extremely close- minded. 

Give me your opinions!

Jealousy is a disease…

And I am definitely suffering from it right now. I don’t usually get jealous, and I know a lot of people make that claim, but I really don’t. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that things work out for some people while for others they don’t, and I am okay with that. I know that things will and are going to work out for me. One day. I just wish that day would come sooner. See, I’ve always struggled to find the one thing in life that I’m truly passionate about. When I found it, I didn’t recognize it, and when I didn’t recognize it, I just forgot about it. So I just started doing it again, and by it I mean photography. I transferred to an art school, and started learning more about photography. I’ve been out there shooting, doing favors for friends who need head shots, taking pictures at rugby games, and even doing some local shows. I read books to learn new techniques and gain a greater knowledge for what I love. So i guess you’re wondering where the jealousy comes in, right? Well, it seems like no matter how hard I work, I’m not getting anywhere. I have friends who do photography as well, and they have had so many amazing opportunities, and I can’t help but be jealous of them. I have friends who aren’t even photography majors, and they are out there coming across opportunities and I can’t help but want to scream out of frustration, when i know I should be happy for them. I truly love taking pictures, but I feel like I’m going no where. 

So how do I change this? How do I get passed the jealousy and just move forward and keep working towards my goal? This last semester I finally got this motivation, this push, to work harder, learn more, go out and shoot more. I started to see a change in my work, and receive compliments from people. It felt great, and then it all came crashing down about a month ago. Other aspects in my life started bringing my down and I lost my motivation and fell into a slump, kind of like the one I went through in high school. Back then I didn’t care about anything and so I didn’t work hard for anything. All I cared about was having fun with my friends, and living life. Now I want to have fun, live life, and do something that could inspire someone else. 

Photography is my release, next to music it’s all I have. It’s what I live for, and I’m hurting myself by letting this jealousy take over my life. I need to fight this and get that motivation back.

 

It seems like things are working out for everyone else but me. Not just with photography, but also with life in general. I can’t find a job, I’m struggling in school, my parents want me to move out, my heart is broken when it shouldn’t be, so many things, and I just wonder when will I catch a break? I don’t want to be this depressed, emo person who complains all the time, but I don’t want to fake like I’m happy. I just wish I was strong.

What does the future hold?

I haven’t been writing much, mainly because I’ve been so busy and also because once again, I’ve been lacking in inspiration. I noticed that I rarely feel inspired, especially when looking at other people’s work. Instead of getting ideas and becoming inspired, I get upset and start doubting myself, which leads to me not wanting to write or take pictures. I know that there are always going to be people who are better than me, and I should be happy about that, I should learn from them. But I look at it as I will never be that good, so I should just stop trying. It’s a vicious circle of self doubt, never-ending and painful emotionally and mentally. If that weren’t enough, I beat myself up for not being able to produce work so often. I see other photographers going out and shooting everyday, looking at things and seeing the beauty in it all, and then I look at myself and see that I do the complete opposite. I don’t shoot everyday. I see things and think, well that would be beautiful, if only I had my camera. Maybe I should bring my camera with me more, but I’m so scared that it will get broken. And as for my writing, I really should try doing that everyday. It’s sad though, I really need someone there pushing me to do things. But when I have that person, I get angry with them for pushing me. Maybe there is just something terribly wrong with me. This is an ongoing fight in my mind.

            I think I might have figured out why I haven’t been so inspired lately. When I was living in San Francisco I was constantly taking pictures. They may not have been the best, but I was taking pictures. When I moved back home to Kenosha, the inspiration kind of died out. And even though moving back home was the best choice for me mentally and emotionally, I feel like artistically it was a terrible choice. Unfortunately, I am not ready to move out of this town again, I am not emotionally stable enough to be away from my support system. And that brings me to the question, will I ever been emotionally stable enough to move away from my family and friends, my support system? I’ve become dependent on them and make every decision based on their opinions. So how do you pull away from that, and become more independent? Or is relying on my support system not a bad thing at all? Our society tells us now that you have to be independent and only rely on yourself. So does my relying on my friends and family mean that I am a weak person? Or is society wrong? And how do we discover when we are strong enough to go out on our own? It’s thoughts like these that keep me up at night. So what do we do? Just push them to the back of our mind, or try and figure out the answers? Like I said, it’s a never-ending vicious circle of self doubt in my mind.

 

Note: This was written over a period of a few days, I apologize for the jumpiness!